Thailand, And The Most Implausible Situation Ever.

 

“We climbed the wall into the cemetery…She straddled me removing her top, we locked lips as she pulled my shirt overhead…”

I lost myself over there. A cataclysmic plunge into the ethers of hedonism and debauchery. I’m inescapably weak to my sexual whims. I am unable to abstain from the bottomless pursuit of pleasure, connection and trite.

I stepped off the plane in Phuket, Thailand. I was nursing a pounding headache. I was dehydrated and my stomach rumbled like a gurgling mountain spring. The food poisoning I got in India hadn’t yet rescinded its grip on me.. In my mental fog I overhear “Kim” by Eminem being played throughout the airport terminal.

 

 

I stayed at this hostel called Bodega it was the chillest hostel I’ve ever been to. You were friends with everyone staying there by the end of the night. It was walking distance to Bangla Road, a glittering place of alcohol, lights, and opulence. It was paradise for me.

It was early in the morning so I had plenty of time to kill before the partying that night. I took a tour of the Maya islands Famous from that movie “The Beach”. The crystal clear ocean was breathtaking. I rode an elephant, it’s tiny yellow eyes had a cold vacancy about them.  It was mushy and bristled its body undulated under me as it walked.

That night a bunch of people from my hostel decided to go out. It was all guys except two sisters from California. They were a year apart 21 and 22. The younger sister sounded like that girl from that song “Let me take a selfie”. She was painfully naive in a endearing sort of way. When she spoke her word blurred together in unintelligible blather. Her sister was decidedly less attractive but ok. we went to an open bar on Bangla road. I go to the bathroom to piss. This Thai guy come up behind me. He starts giving me a message while I’m PISSING.  It felt so damn good. He lifted me off the floor and cracks my back making the sound of plinko chips. Feeling rejuvenated I hit on the younger of the two sisters. Let’s face it, I’m shallow and undiscerning. We snuck off and had sex in a dirty back alley strewn with filth.  After which, I looked like a homeless person covered in alley stains. When the throws our short and underwhelming tryst subsided,

She exclaimed breathlessly you CANT tell my sister. She CANNOT know about this.

My lipped were sealed. Her sister never found out.

The next day I went to Tiger Kingdom and played with some baby tigers. The adult tigers scared the SHIT out of me. They must have be sedated or something they looked baked out of their minds.

That night I went out again this time Cali Girls were not with us. Everyone wanted to go to a ping pong show. If you have never heard of what that entails..Allow me to enlighten you. It’s a show where a naked women takes the stages and commences pulling all sorts of random shit out of her vagina.

I’m talking living things, like goldfishes.
I’m talking sharp things, like razorblades
I’m talking random things, like a cigarette.

The coup de gras of course is a ping pong ball.  Her vaginal walls contract launching a ping pong ball from the recesses of her vagina.  It was at this interlude that she launched a ping pong ball that hit me DIRECTLY in my forehead. Whether it was shock or disgust I  don’t know, but my nose started to bleed. I ran to the bathroom to stem the flow. I left drunk and walked the streets in a daze.

They next day I spent comatose laying in bed pronated and undisturbed. When I awoke I stumbled downstairs. It was already nighttime and people were drinking. I cracked a cold one and joined them in my semi conscious state. I wait for the alcohol to revive me and thrust me back into the mix. I look up and in come..the Cali sisters.

Everyone went out again like before. We went to a club. . I noticed the sister I hooked up with was swooning with this Argentinian guy with light green eyes. It didn’t bother me. I went and danced with her older sister. When I tried kissing her she stopped me and implored..”you made out with my sister I can’t kiss you!” I said “It looks like your sister is having her own fun.” She ponders it briefly then we kiss right there.

The sisters, the Argentinian guy, and myself left the club and went to the beach. Our hostel mate spent the night in a Thai jail after he was caught having sex with a Swedish girl on the beach. We were cautious. We walked down the beach and we saw a pier with small fishing boats docked on it. We walk to the end and I notice like a mat on the ground. Argentinian guy and the sister steal it and start hooking up. The older sister and I swim to a shitty small fishing boat. We clamber on board and in our lustful exhilarated state we had sex right there. I looked up and saw a stunning full moon that illuminated the uneven surface of the black ocean. Gorgeous.

Breathlessly she exclaimed you CANT tell my sister. she CANNOT know about this

My lips are sealed. Her sister never found out.

the next day the four of us rented scooters and rode to the beach. We found a flow rider machine. That simulates a wave and allows you to surf it. I have pretty good balance from being a snowboarder so I managed pretty well. It was a blast. The Cali sister flew out that night returning to Bangkok.11009196_10100479150555459_5208993666466257238_n

Alone again and my last night in Phuket I matched two girls on tinder. I invited them both to the same place at the same time kinda like a battle royal. last women standing wins, total douche move on my part but it worked. Instead of getting pissed they both fought over my waning attention span. I actually start flirting with the hostess who had gorgeous cat eyes and was also hitting on me. I’m WAY past the point of caring. Unfortunately or fortunate for me it made me more desirable, isn’t that a mind fuck. The cuter of the tinder girls has sexy tattoos all over her body her voice was even and did not fluctuate. She say dryly “Sometimes Paul you can be really offensive and you don’t even know it.” tired of fighting for my attention she grabs my hand and leads me to the bathroom.

Ding,ding, ding we have winner!

The bathroom attendant was not going to let us fornicate in his bathroom. He kicks us out cursing in Thai and actually bans us from the the club! I had a private room that night so I brought her back and we finished what we started. Any normal human being would have just enjoyed each other’s company and fell asleep.

I could not..

My greed, lust, and reluctance turbocharged my existence. I left her and went back to party. I wanted to meet up with that hostess who agreed to meet me after work. Truly I’m pathetic, a slave to my own degradation. It’s moments like these that remind me of that movie Fight Club when Tyler Duden says “Self improvement is masturbation.. But self destruction..” He pauses and smirks.

I left in the morning with almost no sleep I fell asleep as soon as I took my seat in the plane. When I awoke, everyone was shuffling out.
I was back In Bangkok. I had 18 hours in this city before my flight back to the USA.

It’s not over.

I met back up with the Cali sisters who were in Bangkok at the time. We visited ghost tower. It’s a huge skyscraper that was left unfinished after the financing bottomed out. It was an eerie place as we climbed dozens of flights of stairs in filth and near darkness. I was sweating like a whore in church when we finally got to the top. My shirt was soaked so I had to take it off and let it dry. A bunch of tourists were up at the top taking pics and doing balancing acts to look cool.

We left and went to a party on KOH SAN. It was there when we were all drunk that they told me.

Sisters: We know
Me: know what I ask curiously and with a devious smile
Sisters: That you fucked both of us.
Me: How did you know?
Sisters: we talked about it on the plane.
Me: Ok, and what do you think?
Sisters: Well…we both like you..
Me: I like you both of you too… Listen I have to catch at flight at 3am. We can stay here drink and party or leave go somewhere and see what happens
Sister1: What do you mean see what happens? Are you trying to have a fucking threesome with us?
Me: I said lets just see what happens
Sisters: I Guess.. Ok let’s go

Neither of them wanted to be not chosen over the other. Maybe my head was so far up my own ass it didn’t cross my mind. We take a Tuk tuk to their hostel but the receptionist was like no you can’t come in. He wouldn’t even let me book a room I was so pissed. We leave and sit outside on the stoop. One of the sisters notices 6 foot wall on a nearby street that appeared to have empty space on the other side. Feeling mischievous we jump the wall. We find ourselves in a damn CEMETERY right in the middle of Bangkok. No wonder there was all this open space. We see a pavilion and go inside and sit down on the bench. The younger sister straddles me and takes off her shirt and bra. She pulls off my shirt as we are locked in a kiss. After we pull apart she leans over and kisses her sister.

Pause for a second here and just imagine this scene

she’s kissing her sister while on top of me.

Now at this point I love to say I smoothly transition into a beautiful threesome and our bodes locked and felt as one. but that wouldn’t be what happened.

I just go for it and just like that it got weird and they were like we CANT do this. We get dressed and I help the younger sister over the wall. The older sister was still with me looking coyly at me. She didn’t want to leave so we hurry back to the pavilion and jump into sex. The other sister is waiting on the other side Impatiently. She manages to get up on the wall and sees us fucking.

She starts going BALLISTIC

Young sister: what the FUCK are you guys doing!?
Me: please be quiet we could get arrested here (we scramble to put our clothes back on)
Young sister: don’t tell me to be quiet you piece of shit.

That’s when the security guard who was patrolling the cemetery runs over screaming in tai. Flipping out I hop the wall and jet to a cab. I hop in and go directly to the airport. I get into my seat dirty, smelling of sweat, sex, and ass. I looked like shit with glow sticks around my neck and a condom still on.

I never saw them or talked to them about what happened after that night. although i had a blast i strangely have no urge to go back.  I could never top what happened and being surround by that excess just made me overindulged and strangely unsatisfied.

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